On a 'real relationship'...
Allowing love to be the teacher, guide and Guru.
I have been brooding on the idea, concept and application of what a 'real relationship' is.
I first heard it talked to about three months ago.
Immediately my curiosity was captured by the two words together.
As relationships continue to play a big role in the movie of my growing, I was surprised I had yet to consider or put time towards what I feel a 'real relationship' may be.
I have shared, developed and offered many opinions over the years, yet this combination of words feels direct and to the core of what relating can offer.
Last week I finally found words to detail what I currently feel a 'real relationship' may be...
A real relationship is where both people prioritise to honour, lock in on and support each other to acknowledge, embrace and surrender to what is REAL in every moment.
As I see it, the ultimate reality is that ALL IS WELL.
And the illusions (which we often pretend are the reality) are the problems that convince us to suffer, close our heart or choose separation.
This understanding is rooted in my knowing that if I am suffering, then I am in my ego.
Knowing this, the greatest gift I can give myself, another and the world is to make the stand that no matter what circumstance I meet I will maintain an open heart and an energy of all is well.
This, for me, is the core of the relationship I want with life.
With this in mind, when it comes to a relationship with another… the realness comes from the shared passion and commitment to honouring what is truly real. The depth comes from being brave enough to witness and be witnessed as the underlying stories of separation inevitably surface in an attempt to convince us that closing the heart is a useful idea. The reliability is built from meeting that edge together, time and time again. And the trust, humility, authenticity and integrity arrive from choosing to walk the path of ego exposure side by side.
To be seen in our truth is to be seen stripped of stories, unveiling the pure piece of life that we are.
Ego will say that exposing these deeper stories of separation will leave us weak, vulnerable and defenceless, yet it is exactly the opposite that ensues.
I like to remind myself that love does not need defending… it is the origin, in-between and ending of all.
Exposing our true nature through the uncomfortable process of examining where the ego is using our past to hold us hostage NOW is a key to unlocking a problem free life of living in love, always.
Sharing this process with another is a powerful way for intimacy to emerge. Being seen and loved for all of the hidden things I assume make me unlovable is deeply liberating for all involved. This is a primary interaction in 'real relating' for me, and it can be done between friends, lovers, partners, family and community if there is willing bravery by all involved.
When I look at the nitty-gritty of ‘real relating’, there are important roles to play. The role of the one(s) not entangled in the problem-illusion complex is to maintain their centre through the others’ storm, and lovingly bring awareness to the fact that the reality is not being honoured. The role for the one(s) entangled in suffering is to firstly find, create and allow space to accept the support being offered, and then muster the will to examine, name and share the stories (if appropriate) that are perpetuating the idea of a problem and prolonging separation.
Note: for the one(s) entangled in suffering, the role can sometimes require feeling or processing deeply held emotions, stories and pain. This can look a multitude of ways, shapes and forms. And, the size of this process finding peace can sometimes be challenging to hold for the other(s) and may even catalyse their own process. In times of many people processing, a trusted third party can be a really useful anchor in the experience (the power of community).
A commitment to play these roles, and a willingness to revisit, reimagine and evolve them as they are inevitably messed up many times, is what builds the trusting foundations for an epic and real relationship to stand upon.
With a shared commitment to reality, and actively bringing it into relationship as a priority, the painful actions that arise in relating become building blocks for BOTH people to alchemise any aspects of their ego into the wholeness of who they truly are.
When one person acts from fear, their actions are not ignored, they are brought into the light of awareness, used by ALL parties to see where fear is residing within (disguised as defence, blame, suffering and drama), and then loved all the way home.
A key reason I adore this framework is because it brings power to all people involved, allows for accountability without blame, and offers an experience of relating that will sow seeds of love to be later harvested by the couple, friends &/or community.
This is a path of inclusivity as resistance only leads to the persistence of ego explosions. The ego playing out, aka drama, suffering or story, is an opportunity to bring love where we have so far believed it not to be (or awareness to a place we have been unwilling to examine within). As we bring more love to the uncomfortable places, we experience less pain as our actions naturally align with compassion, our desire to understand expands, and a softer internal landscape births a wider external ability to hold.
When talking to this topic, it always feels important to remind myself that any actions that hurt me are rooted in fear, and the only sensible response to fear is love. This does not mean I hold no boundaries and it does not mean I ignore inappropriate behaviour. It does however mean that I do not let fear from another become a justification for me to react with more fear. Actions themselves aren’t fear or love, it is the energy I imbue them with that matters most.
For me personally, my telltale signs of adding fear to the fire include the desire to defend my position, the want to be right, deciding to be mean, a sudden urge to avoid the situation and a seeming inability to hear what is being shared without it feeling personal. When I notice myself responding in this way, no matter what the other person has ‘done’, I can be sure that I am in my ego and unwilling to examine an edge that has been revealed within.
The willingness and desire to notice our own reactivity and internalised fear, when it could easily be ignored due to the noise of someone else's flaws, is truly the mark of an open heart.
For me, the focus of a real relationship is (hopefully) always on the wholeness of who we are, carrying an ongoing respect for the omnipresent unknown, and remembering to love the many experiences of life as often as we can.
I truly believe this to be one of the noble paths for allowing life to be the teacher, where any interactions are gifts from a guru and that all relationships are the ultimate mirror of love.
So far, this is the way for the realest of real relationships for me.
As always my friends, this is theory pointing to something that is alive and lived.
Living it for me is full of 'mistakes' and moments of recognition for the humanity of self and other.
It feels good to honour and thank all of the people I share relationship with, especially my intimate partners (past & present), for so much of these words are shaped by the years of ongoing interaction.
And, if you would like a beautiful reference for relating well by two humans who share an ongoing, fifty year relationship of depth and love, check this book out…
Learning to Love by Don & Martha Rosenthal
With love,
Ryan